


The Nightmare

by Storyteller_of_the_Forest



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of trauma, Angst, Dreams and Nightmares, Everyone Needs A Hug, Family is family, Gen, Healing, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Nightmares, No Slash, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Thor (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Thor (Marvel) is Not Stupid, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, aftermath of war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:24:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22900165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storyteller_of_the_Forest/pseuds/Storyteller_of_the_Forest
Summary: In the past, the Odinsons helped each other battle the occasional nightmare. Loki does not often dream, not anymore, but every now and again, the horrors of the war against Thanos and its aftermath creeps into his sleep.
Relationships: Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know. I still have comments to respond to (which I plan to start on after I post this).
> 
> This is another short entry in my "Tales of New Asgard" series. Originally, it was part of "The Dedicated Brother" but I wound up having to cut it when I decided to write that story entirely from Thor's perspective. I hated having to cut these two chapters, but the change in POV was much too jarring and didn't fit. So I put them off to the side and started tinkering with them off and on. I really love writing dream scenes and I was really interested in the idea of Loki's subconscious making him confront thing that he can't in the waking world. And, obviously, I'm really fascinated with how Loki handles/processes grief.
> 
> There is a time jump at the end of the first chapter and then the next chapter takes place _just_ before the last scene of "The Dedicated Brother"
> 
> The next chapter will go up sometime next week (probably Monday, but possibly later).
> 
> Not much more to add, so I hope all of you enjoy this short tale.
> 
> REGULAR WARNINGS
> 
> Haven't seen Infinity War and am not going to see Infinity War (the Russos are garbage human beings. I don't want to hear about them or their god awful trash).
> 
> I don't do romantic ships, especially not between family members. If you're into that kind of thing, go elsewhere (and don't tag my work with incest ships or comment about them in the comments, please).
> 
> Adoptees and non-traditional families deserve representation as much as anyone else. If you don't agree with this, you need to go elsewhere.
> 
> I'm still somewhat new to writing fics. So I apologize for any mistakes, mis-characterizations, formatting errors, or just any glaring errors. Please be gentle: writing fics is literally stress relief for me.
> 
> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated. I don't own anything, obviously all characters and recognizable aspects belong to Marvel.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story and thank you for reading :)

_Those final moments with his brother haunted his dreams. They were even more vivid since he had removed the spell blocking his dreams and nightmares. Loki still wasn’t sure why he did that or why he didn’t recast the spell._

_His nightmares often twisted the events that had come to pass, changing what had happened to make the experience even more brutal and difficult to endure. Every night, Loki hoped it would be the night he arrived in time to save his brother. He hoped it would be the time he and Thor walked off that battlefield together, returning to their people. Just like it was supposed to happen. Like it should have happened._

_Every single night, the nightmare ended with him holding his brother’s cold lifeless body, weeping. As it had happened in the real world, Loki was always too late._

_This night, he arrived in the thick of the battle, just like he had the first time. But this time, this time he wasn’t too late. Loki spotted his brother fighting a hoard of enemies. Thor was alive, he was alive, and unwounded! Loki wasn’t too late! He’d finally made it! Loki could change what happened!_

_Despite the number of foes he was battling, Thor was holding his own. A wide grin split Loki’s lips and he ran for his brother as fast as his long legs would carry him. Joy and hope filled his heart. This time he would not fail. He shouted Thor’s name, but his voice was lost in the pandemonium of battle. The trickster cut through whatever enemy sprang up in his way, dodging past others. He was going to make it. He was going to save his brother._

_Then, Loki saw the towering form lumbering up behind Thor. He could see the glow of the infinity stones. It made the trickster’s blood freeze and his heart beat even faster. He tried to scream a warning to his brother, but Thor was too focused on the enemies that surrounded him. He didn’t hear his brother’s warning, but the mad titan did. He looked over at Loki, a cruel grin spreading across his face._

_“You were warned, trickster,” Thanos’ growl echoed in his mind._

_“Don’t do this! Please don’t hurt my brother,” Loki begged, not giving a damn about his pride. “I beg of you. You can have me. I will accept my fate, but leave Thor out of it. Your quarrel is with me, not him. I’m the one who betrayed you. I’m the one who failed you.”_

_The claws of a chitauri wrapped around Loki, holding him back. The trickster thrashed around, stabbing the creature, trying to get away. A small pack of them surrounded him, forcing him to his knees, holding him down to prevent him from interfering. The clawed hand of one of Thanos’ followers grabbed ahold of Loki’s hair, yanking his head up, forcing him to watch the horrific scene in front of him. Thanos wanted him to watch._

_“Yes, you did,” Thanos agreed._

_Thor turned and when his eye fell upon Loki, a look of surprise spread across his features. It was replaced with joy, a smile spreading across his face…and then shock as the sharp blade of Thanos’ weapon pierced his back and burst through his chest. Loki’s scream was lost over the fighting that surrounded them._

_Blood spread rapidly from the wound and Thanos shoved the enormous blade even further through Thor, lifting him from the ground. Thor’s face twisted in pain, tears spilling from his eye, his axe falling from his hand._

_“No! Stop!” Loki cried, summoning his magic. A burst of energy exploded around him, incinerating the vile creatures that held him. Loki immediately jumped to his feet and continued his desperate sprint to his brother. Thor was still on the end of Thanos’ weapon, but Loki could still save him. He could, he knew he could. Tears burned in his eyes._

_“Normally, this is just necessary,” Thanos’ growl rumbled in his mind. “But this? This I enjoyed. I took great pleasure in your brother’s pain. I want you to know that, little trickster.”_

_The titan threw the mortally wounded god of thunder at his brother, knocking them both to the mud underfoot. All the breath rushed out of Loki’s body as he hit the soft ground hard, a heavy deadweight on top of him. He was sure at least one rib had cracked or broken from the force with which Thor hit him. Thor!_

_“Thor? Thor!?” Loki cried frantically as he struggled out from under his brother, carefully turning Thor onto his back. Thor was choking on blood, his entire body shivering. Loki threw a hasty protective barrier around them. His hands shook wildly as he tried to figure out what to do. Stripping off his cape, he swiftly pressed it against the gushing wound. He could fix this. He had arrived in time. Thor still lived._

_Loki glanced at his brother. Thor was looking up at him, his eye unfocused. Loki could read the pain and shock in his brother’s expression. When his eye landed on Loki, his gaze became a bit more focused. Then, Thor smiled weakly, laying his hand over Loki’s on his chest._

_“You have only yourself to blame, little god,” Thanos’ malicious taunt traveled through his mind. Loki turned furious green eyes on the titan, rage coursing through him. It consumed him, drowning any sort of fear he might still have of the titan, as well as any rationality. Loki pushed himself to his feet, ignoring his brother gasping his name and feebly trying to grab him, probably trying to prevent him from doing something reckless._

_“I’ll kill you!” Loki raged at the titan. “You monster! I’ll kill you for this!”_

_Thanos looked amused at Loki’s anger, his pain. Loki’s suffering had always entertained the mad titan and that added to Loki’s fury. The trickster conjured up his most powerful magic and unleashed it in the titan’s direction. Thanos batted it away with his enormous blade as though it were an annoying fly. Loki conjured his blades and lunged at Thanos with a fearsome yell. Thanos retaliated with a blast from the gauntlet. It slammed into Loki, knocking him back to the mud. Loki was unable to prevent the cry of pain that escaped him. The wound burned fiercely, and Loki didn’t want to think about the severity. Norns, he hated those damn stones._

_Thanos’ shadow fell over him and the glow of the stones shone on Loki’s face. The trickster’s eyes widened, and he weakly tried to crawl away. In that moment, he was terrified, more terrified than he had ever been in his entire life._

_“You know of the agony caused by the stones touch, you remember it well,” Thanos told him, stomping an enormous foot on Loki’s chest and holding him in place. “You have only experienced the power of one stone. Enduring all five? No more resurrections after that.”_

_He lowered the gauntlet closer to Loki, even as the trickster weakly thrashed._

_“No! No!” Loki pleaded, as he continued trying to get away. The titan was going to rip his soul from his body. He was going to subject Loki to unimaginable pain. He was going to break Loki again._

_“You should not have failed me, little g—”_

_A powerful bolt of lightning knocked Thanos off Loki and sent him stumbling a few feet away. Loki gasped and turned his eyes toward where the lightning had come from._

_Thor had somehow managed to climb to his feet again, lightning wreathing around his limbs, blood spilling from the fatal wound in his chest. He wavered and fell heavily to one knee, his hand dropping to the ground to keep himself upright. Thor slowly raised his head again and pushed himself back up. He wasn’t able to fully rise, but he looked no less intimidating. His eye was glowing silver. The brightness of the electricity was flickering. It was dying, like the one who wielded it, but it was strong enough for one final act of heroism. To end one final villain, to save one last life._

_“Get. Away. From. My. Brother,” Thor wheezed and then his lightning started to glow brighter._

_“Thor, no! Don’t!” Loki cried as he tried to push himself out of the mud. It was too late. Thor unleashed the most powerful bolt of lightning Loki had ever seen. It was impossibly bright and for a moment, the entire battle seemed to disappear. The titan let out one last fearsome bellow before disappearing in a puff of smoke and a cloud of ash._

_Loki lowered his arm away from where he held it, shielding his eyes. His mouth dropped open slightly as he stared at the space Thanos used to occupy. He was gone. The titan was gone. Thor had done the impossible: he’d destroyed Loki’s nightmare. He’d saved this planet, as well as the galaxy._

_He had saved Loki._

_Loki whipped around and let out a cry when he saw his brother lying on the ground, pale as a ghost. Blood was still pouring out of the wound. Pushing himself to his hands and knees, Loki grimaced in pain at the pull on his own wounds. Crawling as swiftly as he could through the mud, Loki reached Thor’s side and carefully turned him over, pulling him into his arms._

_“Thor?” he said, shaking his brother gently. Thor didn’t respond, laying limply in Loki’s arms. The trickster scowled._

_“You don’t get to leave, not this time,” Loki told him angrily. “I arrived in time. I made it here, so you have to be all right.”_

_Thor didn’t respond and Loki gently wiped the mud away from his face. He called upon his seidr, sending it to his brother’s broken and battered body. It tried to return to the trickster, but Loki would not let it._

_“Thor, please,” he whispered. He continued trying to clean Thor up as best he could when the god of thunder’s face suddenly twisted in a grimace. To Loki’s relief, his eye fluttered and slowly opened. He looked up at his brother._

_“L-Loki?” Thor whispered, as though he were afraid to believe it. He opened his mouth to say something further, but was overtaken by a coughing fit. Loki cringed at the thought of how much that would have hurt. More blood spilled over the god of thunder’s lips, which Loki wiped away._

_“Shhh,” Loki shushed him. “It’s me, brother. Do not speak. Everything is going to be okay.”_

_The trickster looked to the wound and swallowed nervously. He’d never seen anyone recover from a wound that bad. Not even a god. Pushing those thoughts out of his mind, Loki focused on binding it, hoping to at least slow the blood flow._

_Thor glanced around. “Thanos?”_

_“Gone, you defeated him,” Loki replied._

_A smile danced across Thor’s lips as he looked back to Loki. “I-I saved you.”_

_“Yes, and now I shall do the same for you, brother. One good turn deserves another,” Loki told him as he looked around, frowning. Everyone had vanished. They were alone._

_“L-Loki,” Thor rasped again. Loki shushed him, distracted. Where in the Hel was everyone? Thor needed help._

_“Everything’s going to be okay,” Loki soothed him. “Just rest. I’m going to save you.”_

_Thor shook his head. “No.”_

_Loki frowned and turned his eyes to his brother. “What?”_

_Thor looked at him sadly, his eye watering with pain, blood crawling out of the corner of his mouth. “You have to let me go.”_

_“Don’t be foolish. You’re Thor. You don’t lose and you sure as Hel don’t give up,” Loki said, trying to gather his magic only to find it unresponsive. Just like as it happened, he’d over expended his magic in the battle._

_“It’s okay. Let me go.”_

_“No!” Loki snapped. “You never let me go. Must you always expect others to do what you will not?”_

_Loki let out a cry of frustration when his magic didn’t respond to his call again. He didn’t have time for this. His brother was bleeding out. Thor was dying. Loki needed his damn magic. Thor looked at his hands tiredly, which Loki shook and then tried to call upon his magic again._

_“Brother,” Thor started._

_“Shut up, Thor,” Loki growled. “I can fix this. I can…I can—”_

_A shaking bloody hand rested on his own and Loki’s eyes turned back to his brother. Thor smiled at him, affection and sadness mingling in his expression._

_“This has already come to pass. You are a powerful sorcerer, Loki, perhaps the most powerful there is, but even you cannot change the past,” Thor told him, his voice soft. “You have to let me go.”_

_Loki hung his head, tears running down his cheeks. The sounds of the battle had long since gone silent. Once again, his brother’s last moments would be witnessed only by him. Thor deserved so much more than this. He deserved to live a long full life, to be surrounded by loved ones when he departed for Valhalla. Thor deserved to reach Valhalla._

_“This is the last time I’m going to see you, isn’t it?” Loki whispered, his voice shaking. “This was my last chance and I failed.”_

_“Loki,” Thor said in fond exasperation. Loki sniffled and looked to his brother’s pale face. “You didn’t fail. You live. We were victorious. We won, brother.”_

_“But you died. I lost you. How is that winning?”_

_“You still have your memories. That is where I shall live on,” Thor told him with a smile._

_Loki felt his lower lip tremble and he shook his head. It wasn’t the same. He didn’t want to have only his memories. He wanted to see Thor. Even if it was only in these horrific final moments, at least he could see and feel his brother._

_“I’m sorry, Thor. I should have told you about this whole damn bloody mess before it blew up in our faces. I should have…I should have figured something out. I should have stayed with you,” Loki apologized. He felt his brother’s shaking hand wipe away his tears._

_“I’m glad you didn’t. I’m glad you lived,” Thor replied, his eye starting to slide shut. He didn’t have long. Loki gasped on a sob and held his brother closer, wanting to beg him not to leave. To allow him to try again. He could save Thor. He could figure something out. He just needed more time._

_“Loki?”_

_Loki swallowed and looked to his brother, barely able to see him through his tears. Thor looked so tired. He was fading. It wouldn’t be long now._

_“Take me home,” Thor requested. Loki closed his eyes briefly, even as tears continued streaming down his face. Slowly letting out his breath, he opened his eyes again and looked to Thor, who was looking to him hopefully. There was a hint of hesitance in his gaze and that broke Loki’s heart. Thor actually believed Loki would deny him a last request. Loki offered his brother a watery smile and nodded._

_“All right, Thor,” Loki agreed._

_Thor watched as Loki retrieved his cape. The trickster carefully wrapped it around his dying brother to protect him from any chill. Loki hesitated and looked to his brother again._

_“I’m afraid this is likely to hurt, Thor,” Loki warned him. Thor nodded and wrapped one arm around Loki’s neck and shoulders. He coughed again, grimacing, more blood spilling from his lips._

_Carefully gathering his dying brother in his arms, Loki rose to his feet. Thor grunted in pain and Loki could feel how tightly his brother was grasping his shirt. The trickster looked around the empty field surrounding them, thinking._

_As he suspected, he could no longer teleport such a great distance. It didn’t matter, he would walk all the way back to New Asgard if need be. A soft tearing sound drew his attention to the side, and he watched as a portal opened. Through it, Loki could see the familiar sight of New Asgard. It was spring, a stark contrast to the mud and blood they were currently standing in._

_Loki moved over to the glowing portal and stepped through it, Thor held securely in his arms. He could hear his brother wheezing, felt the way his strong body trembled, but Loki kept walking through the warm field. A rainbow of flowers stretched before them. Despite the grief in his heart, Loki smiled faintly. New Asgard really was a beautiful place._

_He walked a few feet away from where the portal had been and then knelt, carefully lowering Thor to the ground. The view was perfect. Thor could see all of New Asgard, the place that should have been his home._

_“We are home, Thor,” Loki whispered._

_Thor’s chest heaved as he struggled to draw in breath and Loki looked down at his brother, seeing a familiar serene expression. He was drifting away. Reaching out with one hand, Thor ran it over the bright green grass, a feeble smile dancing across his face. He looked up to the peaceful town the Aesir now called home. His eye turned back to Loki and he smiled a little._

_“Thank you,” he breathed and Loki sniffled again, nodding. “You are here, Loki. And so this is home.”_

_Loki wept as he held his brother, feeling part of himself die along with Thor. He buried his face in Thor’s hair and wailed. He felt Thor’s arm weakly wrap around him, attempting to comfort him._

_“It’s okay, brother. Let me go,” Thor whispered again. “Please, Loki. Let me go.”_

_Loki clenched his eyes shut. What Thor asked of him was impossible. It was not something he could do, not ever._

_He felt Thor’s body shudder in his arms and heard a last gasp escape him before Thor’s strong form went limp in his arms._

_“No,” Loki sobbed. “No.”_

_He clutched Thor tightly, rocking him. Loki sobbed and wailed, pleading for his brother to come back. Eventually, he wore himself out and just embraced his brother’s body, crying softly._

_He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but Loki suddenly felt someone watching him. Lifting his tear-filled eyes, the trickster stared in shock at the younger versions of his brother and himself standing a few feet away. Norns, they were mere children. Young Thor was holding young Loki’s hand and they were both looking at the adult trickster._

_Loki looked to Thor’s body, still in his arms. His eye was open, staring at nothing. The trickster gently reached up and closed it. Still clutching him tightly, Loki turned his eyes back to the children standing a few feet away. His green eyes fixed on Thor._

_“I have always run, always tried to escape from whatever fate had planned. You always wanted me to come home and I refused,” Loki told him. The boy stared at him, his expression unreadable. He clutched young Loki’s hand a little tighter. Adult Loki noticed, even as his eyes remained fixed on young Thor. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, wasn’t sure what he was hoping would happen, but Loki felt compelled to plead his case to this child version of his brother._

_“I lost you,” he said. “You died because I kept running from my fate, from my home, from my family. And you still made sure I had a place to return to, somewhere safe. But it’s not home, Thor. Without you, it will never be home.”_

_Loki looked back to his brother’s face, gently stroking his cheek. Turning his eyes back to the child Thor, he could feel tears streaming down his face._

_“If you return home, I promise I will not run again. I will stay. I will do whatever it takes to stay,” Loki promised. “You will never grieve me again, Thor. Just please. Please. Come home.”_

_The child Thor stared at him and then looked to the child Loki, who was also watching the heartbroken trickster. Young Loki looked up at his brother with wide green eyes. Young Thor smiled at him and gently squeezed his hand, leading his brother away. Young Loki glanced over his shoulder one last time at his adult self before following his brother away, disappearing from Loki’s sight._

_“Please, come home, brother.”_

**

Loki’s eyes fluttered open and he inhaled, tears crawling down his face. He swiped them away and sat up in his bed, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. Loneliness started creeping up on him, but Loki pushed it away. He’d gotten used to being alone. Solitude was almost comforting. For a while, he just sat there, contemplating whether or not he wanted to try going back to sleep. Swinging his legs off the side of the bed, he rose to his feet and padded out into his dark empty house.

It was odd. He didn’t often remember his nightmares, not anymore. Loki wasn’t sure why this one was different. He wandered into the kitchen and put a kettle on. Running a hand over his face, Loki tried to ignore the ache in his chest. He still missed his brother. Every single day. But he thought he’d moved on. It had been years since the battle. Loki had New Asgard and the Aesir to think about now. He had a country to lead, to protect. As his brother would have.

After he prepared himself a cup of tea, Loki sat at his kitchen table. Swallowing, he raised a hand, furrowing his brow a little. After a moment, wisps of green magic started to spill from his fingertips, pooling and forming a shape in the chair across from him. Loki sipped his tea as he continued weaving the spell, something he’d never done before. Something he’d never found the courage to do before.

Soon, a lifelike vision of Frigga sat there. A gentle smile played across her lips and the ache in Loki’s heart grew. It was his mother as he remembered her: kind, warm, safe. Home. Yet she would not speak, for she was just an illusion. Loki sipped his tea, studying her for a moment. Her eyes were blank and they stared right through him.

Placing his mug off to the side, Loki interlaced his fingers and looked to her.

“Why didn’t you tell me? About my heritage, about what I was?” he asked softly. “I know Odin never would have considered such a thing, it being the rational action to take, the one that would have prevented so much misery. For all that I am the god of lies, your husband wove more hurtful untruths than I ever could. But you said there should be no lies within a family. You claimed you tried to convince Odin to tell me the truth. You could have chosen to do different, Mother. You could have told Thor and I when we were younger. If you had been more forthright, if you had told me the truth, my brother would still be here. So much would be different.”

Drawing a circle on the table with his finger, Loki sighed.

“I, um, I lost Thor, mother,” Loki told her, his voice cracking. “I failed to keep the promise I made to you all those years ago.”

He swiped away at his tears, shaking his head, unable to meet the blank gaze of the illusion.

“Why in all the realms did you ever trust me to protect him? You knew how destructive I was. Destruction has always followed me wherever I traveled. It was only a matter of time before Thor became a casualty of it. You should have asked someone more suited to such a task to protect him. Entrusting me was doomed to fail,” Loki said. Tears ran down his face and he finally raised his eyes to the illusion.

“Do you know what the funniest part of this whole mess is? In my last moments with Thor, I finally realized something. Something I should have known all along. Thor never lied to me. He accepted me. I spent so much bloody time utterly terrified of him, of what he would do to me, of him killing me, that I never even considered that he might not see me as his enemy, as just another monster, a Jotun. For all I knew Thor, I never once fathomed that he only ever saw me as his brother. But that was the truth. To him, I was just Loki, his brother.

“In his last moments, he was in utter agony, but he made sure I understood that. Thor made sure I understood what he’d been trying to tell me for so many years, a message I was too bloody stubborn to listen to. A final gift to an undeserving man,” Loki sniffled and shook his head. “He was his mother’s son, right up until the very end.”

Loki narrowed his eyes at the illusion. “You had the gift of prophecy. Thor inherited it from you. You must have seen what was going to happen. Why did you not ask someone else to swear that stupid oath, someone who had least had a chance of succeeding? Did your son’s life not matter to you at all?”

The illusion did not respond. Loki felt utterly ridiculous doing this, speaking to a mere façade. Yet he felt compelled to continue doing so.

“He didn’t make it to Valhalla’s halls, as you probably noticed,” Loki said. “I have tried everything, Mother. I have looked in every single book that survived Ragnarok, spoken to every mage, tried every spell that might help release his soul, and yet nothing has worked. I’m at my wit’s end and I do not know what else I can do or try.”

Loki was quiet for a long time, staring into his tea, watching his reflection in the liquid. He looked up again and sighed. Waving a hand, he dissipated the illusion of Frigga. Finishing his tea, Loki washed out his mug and moved into the main area of the house. He looked out into the night. It was starting to become less shadowy as dawn approached.

Suddenly, Loki noticed the reflection of his brother and himself as boys in the windowpane. They were standing behind him and their form was vague, barely noticeable. Loki didn’t even attempt to look at them, for he knew they weren’t really there. His mind was conjuring images of what he wished to see.

“Come home,” Loki spoke under his breath. “I will hold to what I swore to you within the dream if you return home.”

The vague forms vanished, leaving the trickster alone. Loki swallowed the lump in his throat and sunk down on the couch, spreading his lean form across it. He reached up to the blanket he kept back there, pulling it down and wrapping it around himself. He curled up tightly and allowed his mind to drift from the waking world.

_*_

_Some years later._

Loki’s eyes snapped open when he felt his brother attempt to slide out from under his arm. Instinctively, the trickster tightened his hold. Thor started to feebly struggle against him. His struggles couldn’t even be called thrashing and it really was a pitiful attempt. Loki held tight, even as Thor tried to push him away. The irony of role reversal, Thor trying to push his brother away and Loki not letting him, wasn’t lost on the trickster.

A lucky elbow caught Loki in the mouth and the trickster tasted blood. Still, he continued to hold his brother, undeterred. He’d endured more violent struggles from Thor when the god of thunder was trapped in some horrific nightmare or flashback. Loki had suffered plenty of split lips, bloody noses, bruises, and even a small hairline fracture on one occasion. Normally, Loki was able to avoid such blows, but he hadn’t slept much the past few days and it had slowed his reflexes considerably.

“No, stop,” Loki said, wrapping his arms around Thor’s. “Thor, please. Please don’t do this.”

Thor continued to pull against him, but he didn’t put any real effort into it. Still, if he kept fidgeting, he could potentially wear the trickster out and then free himself. Loki wrapped his legs around Thor’s, struggling to hold him immobile.

“You don’t want to do this, brother,” Loki pleaded, desperation in his soft voice.

Thor continued trying to pull away, to get away, putting as much effort as he could into freeing himself. Loki continued to fight just as hard to keep him still. For he knew if he lost this rather pitiful struggle, he would lose his brother forever.

“I’m not going to let go,” Loki hissed, frustration momentarily getting the better of him. At that proclamation, all the fight seemed to leave Thor at once. He slumped back against his brother, no longer trying to escape. Loki furrowed his brow and peered over Thor’s shoulder. The god of thunder was staring blankly at the wall, his face devoid of any expression. Loki cautiously released one of Thor’s arms. Thor didn’t react.

It had been like this ever since a couple nights ago when Loki had found his brother in Frigga’s memorial. Thor hadn’t spoken since that night. He was so lifeless, mostly just staring blankly at whatever surface happened to be in front of him.

_He wants to die. Thor wants to die._

That horrific realization had hit Loki hard when the Valkyrie urged him to seek outside help for Thor, people who had experience with what Banner suspected was afflicting him. Loki had brushed her off at first. They were fine. Loki could take care of them both until Thor had recovered enough to take his rightful place. Everything was fine.

Then Thor had awoken him in a state of despair, wailing because he thought Loki dead when the trickster had just been sleeping. His brother had been inconsolable and wept himself back to sleep in Loki’s arms. Realizing how easy it would have been for Thor to seriously harm himself, Loki had at last agreed to Banner and Brunnhilde’s idea to find a facility for Thor to spend some time healing in.

Earlier that evening, when Loki had been trying to get Thor to eat a little dinner, Brunnhilde had called to let him know she and Banner had found a good hospital and she would be bringing over the admission papers in the morning. Loki just had to keep Thor alive for two more days. It was simple, easy.

Except Thor really wanted to die.

Loki had been watching his brother around the clock. The trickster was exhausted and it was alarmingly easy to start nodding off.

Brunnhilde had offered to stay over, as had Banner, to help watch the god of thunder until it was time to bring him to the facility so Loki could get some rest. Loki adamantly refused, offended at the very implication that he could not take care of his brother as he had been doing since Thor’s return. He was capable of keeping Thor alive for a few more days. He could do that much.

_If you return, I promise I’ll stay. I won’t run anymore._

There had been many times over the months since Thor’s return that Loki had been tempted to run. So, so many times, and the urge was incredibly strong. For a time, Loki feared he wasn’t strong enough to ignore it. Yet, strangely, Thor’s episodes and struggles made the trickster feel more inclined to stay. Loki lied to himself, saying it was merely the puzzle that kept him there. The trickster did enjoy solving puzzles. But he knew it was more than that. Thor needed him, more than he ever had in the past, and Loki found he could not run away. That unsettled him, but it was also a relief.

Gently stroking Thor’s hair, Loki considered his words.

“I never wanted this,” he said softly. “I know you believe I hated you, but I never did, Thor. I may have been jealous, but I still loved you. For a time, I convinced myself that I hated you, but it wasn’t the truth. Even during my darkest moments, I would have _never_ wanted you to suffer like this. You’re my brother and you mean a great deal to me.”

Hesitantly, Loki wrapped his arms around his brother. It was something Thor used to do when they were younger, whenever Loki would have a nightmare or during those exceedingly rare times when he was afraid. Loki wasn’t as warm as Thor and he certainly didn’t have his brother’s skill when it came to comfort. Truthfully, Loki was mostly mimicking things he’d seen Thor and Frigga do in the past. It worked well enough, so Loki continued with that strategy.

“Do you remember when we were very young and I would have nightmares? It seemed like whenever I closed my eyes, I saw monsters. They lay in wait for me, horrific ghastly creatures. Worse than any ghoul our minds could conjure,” Loki said. “I was never worried about running to you. You always offered sanctuary. You always felt like home. I am trying to do the same for you, though I fear I’m not as naturally skilled at it as you, Thor.”

Loki heard Thor sniffle, but when he looked to his brother, Thor’s face was still disturbingly blank. The only sign of life from the god of thunder was the rise and fall of his chest. Loki gently kissed his brother’s temple. How he wished there were more he could do for the god of thunder.

“I shall be honest, Thor, for perhaps the first time ever so enjoy it as much as you can. I didn’t have a plan when Thanos,” Loki paused when he felt Thor flinch and start trembling. He held him closer. “I didn’t have a plan when our ship was attacked. When the titan grabbed me, I assumed I had lost and prepared myself to die. I was ready to do so, for I knew you would be all right. I knew you would triumph. It was only when the titan’s grasp tightened that I came up with an idea. I wasn’t sure it would work, but I didn’t want to die, if I could avoid it. I cast the spell and to my great shock it worked.”

Loki peered over at his brother. Thor’s face was still unnaturally blank. It frightened Loki to see his brother in such a state. He’d seen Thor inches from death before, but the god of thunder always had some fight in him. Thor always fought with whatever he had left. Loki had never witnessed Thor in a state where he was unable to fight. He had never seen his brother give up. The trickster cleared his throat, tears starting to crawl down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Thor. I didn’t…I never thought my demise would affect you so. I knew you would grieve, but I didn’t think it would last for very long. I thought you would easily move on, free from my schemes and mischief. I thought…I thought perhaps it might even be a relief and I regret thinking that for even a moment.”

Loki paused when his voice wobbled and swiped at his eyes. It felt like his heart was being torn apart within his chest. Seeing Thor in this state, it was breaking his heart. Loki gently laid a hand on his brother’s chest, where the scars from the infinity stones were. He knew they still pained Thor on occasion and feeling the way Thor flinched slightly at the touch, Loki knew it was one of those nights. Closing his eyes, he sent a small amount of seidr into his brother’s system. Loki could not alleviate all of Thor’s pain, especially not from the infinity stones, but he could ease it. Rather than a sharp acute pain, the trickster could dull it to a mere ache.

Soon he felt his brother relax a little and Loki looked hopefully to his face. Thor still stared blankly at nothing. Loki’s shoulders slumped and he ran a hand over his face, exhaustion starting to creep up on him. He feared going to sleep and fought with everything in him not to do so.

“I remember I used to want so much. The throne, Asgard, the respect and worship of the Aesir and the Midgardians, ballads and legends telling of the heroism and great deeds of Loki,” he mused aloud. “Now…now I just want you to be okay. I would give anything just for you to be okay, Thor.”

Furrowing his brow, Loki thought about what else to say. It was one of the rare times his silver tongue was failing him. No matter what he said, it never seemed to make a difference. None of his considerable skills were helping his brother and it frustrated Loki.

“Did I tell you that my own dreams haunted me when I first came to New Asgard?” Loki asked as he laid his head on the pillow. “Every night, I dreamt of arriving on that battlefield, determined to save you. And every night I failed. Night after night, you died in my arms. No matter how hard I tried, I could never save you. Eventually, I cast a spell to prevent myself from dreaming. It made my memories of that battle even more vivid, but at least I was able to sleep again.”

Loki frowned. “I removed that spell, for some reason. I am not sure why. But the dreams didn’t return, thankfully. Except…except one night, a few months before you returned. I dreamt it again and this time I made it to the battle on time, but the forces of the titan thwarted me and I…”

The trickster trailed off, swiping at his tears. “Norns, Thor. I do not wish to watch you die again. Please, brother. I am doing everything I can think of to make things better, but it never helps. If you would but tell me what you need, what I can do. How do I help you, Thor? Please tell me how to heal you.”

There was no answer from Thor and Loki slowly let out his breath, continuing to wipe away his tears. This was pointless. Loki just had to keep fighting for the both of them. He owed Thor that much. Turning on his back, Loki rested his wrist on his brow, preparing himself for another sleepless night. He briefly considered putting a kettle on, but that would require leaving his brother alone. Loki could bring Thor with him, but he wanted his brother to rest. _Pity, I would enjoy a cup of the new blend I just discovered._

“I guess the mad titan really did defeat me,” Loki muttered to himself, letting out a soft heartbroken chuckle. He sniffled and closed his eyes, dragging his hand over his face. What a fool he had been, believing he could ever defeat Thanos.

Rustling drew Loki’s attention to the left and he prepared to grab Thor if his brother had gotten it into his head to try another pitiful escape.

Strangely, Thor had just rolled onto his side so he was facing Loki. Even in the shadows, Loki could see the despair that haunted his brother. Despair that must have been part of whatever was afflicting the god of thunder. That blue eye fixed on Loki and Thor studied his brother for a moment, his brows knitting together. He appeared almost puzzled. Thor reached over and gently touched Loki’s face, brushing away the trickster’s lingering tears.

Loki offered him a soft smile. “Try to get some sleep, Thor. You haven’t been getting nearly enough.”

Thor frowned a little, pointing at Loki. He hadn’t been able to speak or chose not to since that night in Frigga’s memorial garden, but Loki didn’t need spoken language to understand Thor. His brother was able to communicate with him in other ways. The trickster shook his head.

“I am not tired,” Loki lied. “I will watch over your sleep, in case your dreams turn bad.”

He turned his eyes back to the ceiling, allowing his mind to wander. A gentle but insistent tugging on his sleeve brought Loki’s attention back to his brother.

“What? What is it?” Loki asked softly. Thor didn’t respond, a focused look on his face as he continued tugging at Loki’s arm. The trickster was puzzled by his brother’s behavior, which was not all that uncommon.

Loki finally allowed Thor to pull his arm more towards him, figuring the god of thunder just needed to hold onto him, as Thor sometimes did in order to get back to sleep.

He was rather surprised when Thor just held his hand, interlacing their fingers. For a moment, the god of thunder studied their clasped hands. Then, he looked at Loki and gestured, circling one finger around their wrists. Loki frowned, trying to decipher what Thor was trying to tell him.

It hit him and Loki raised an eyebrow, impressed with his brother’s idea.

“You wish for me to tie our wrists together? With what, Thor?”

Thor shrugged and gestured at Loki, which made the trickster snicker. Magic, of course. Loki conjured a little magic and looked over to Thor, who still looked despondent.

“Are you certain, brother?”

Thor opened his mouth as though to say something, but couldn’t seem to get the words out. Closing his mouth again, Thor nodded once and feebly squeezed Loki’s hand. Loki turned his attention back to their interlaced hands. Creating a rope of magic, Loki wove it around their wrists a few times, pulling a little to make sure he could sense it. If Thor attempted to pull away, Loki would feel it and awaken.

The spell glowed as it was cast, but then faded. It was simple magic and it would fade come sunrise. But it would allow Loki to sleep without fear of his brother leaving or harming himself.

Loki looked over at Thor, who was staring at their hands. The dark-haired god felt sadness tug at him.

“That was purely for my sake, wasn’t it?” Loki said, already knowing it was. Despite his own pain, Thor’s first concern was still Loki. He knew his brother was tired and needed sleep, and he was fully aware of how stubborn Loki was. The trickster would not sleep while Thor was in danger.

Thor was continuing another day, purely so Loki could sleep. He still thought of his brother’s well-being, took it on as though it were his duty. At one time, such an act would have irritated Loki. The trickster would have taken it as just another slight. His brother treating him as though he were a child.

Now Loki understood it was a sacrifice Thor was making, one born out of love.

Loki leaned forward and gently kissed Thor’s brow. Thor closed his eye and squeezed his brother’s hand again.

“Thank you,” Loki whispered, and Thor nodded in response. He curled up a little closer to Loki, sighing softly. As he had done so often over the months, Loki wrapped an arm around his brother. Thor closed his eye and held onto Loki.

“Brunnhilde is coming to visit tomorrow. There is something she wishes to discuss with you,” Loki told him. Thor didn’t respond.

“It’s going to be all…”

Loki trailed off, unable to finish the statement. Normally lying came easily to him. It was something he did without a second thought. Lying to Thor had almost become second nature. Yet Loki found he was unable to do so. He searched his mind for some kind of reassurance that didn’t sound hollow, but couldn’t come up with one. He looked to his brother, who was watching him. His face was no longer blank, but he still looked miserable.

“I will not lie to you, brother. Not this time,” Loki began. “I do not know whether or not things will be okay. I do not know what is going to happen. But I shall tell you a secret: uncertainty is not so frightening, not when you learn to live with it. And you can survive uncertainty. I’m proof of that. I shall teach you, Thor. You do not have to fear. I am at your side.”

Thor dropped his gaze again, closing his eye and holding Loki close. He gently squeezed the trickster’s hand and Loki smiled tiredly.

“Things are going to get better, Thor. It may take a while, but soon, this will just be another unpleasant memory,” Loki promised him. He believed that. He’d witnessed his brother overcome impossible odds, emerge victorious from seemingly hopeless battles, and succeed where anyone else would have failed. At one time, it was annoying. But now it was what gave the trickster hope.

Loki had no doubt his brother would survive this. He refused to let failure be an option.

The trickster remained awake for a little while longer, just watching Thor sleep. He wanted to make sure his brother’s rest was easy before he allowed himself to sleep. Luck seemed to be on their side for once. Thor showed no signs of distress and continued to rest peacefully.

Closing his eyes, Loki tightened his grip on his brother and allowed his mind to drift from the waking world.


	2. Chapter 2

_He ran through the downpour, air burning in his lungs. Lightning split the sky above him as he continued to run over the slick ground. His heart was pounding in his chest. No matter how far he ran, he never seemed to get closer to his destination. He could hear the ominous ticking of a clock with every beat of his heart._

_Loki felt the ground elevate slightly as he finally started running up hill. He was almost there, almost there. He was going to make it. He had to, he had to…_

_“Thor!” he yelled, but the storm drowned out his voice._

_He finally reached the cliff’s edge and just caught a glimpse of his brother standing at the cliff’s edge, his back to Loki. Before Loki could react, Thor took a step forward and dropped from Loki’s sight._

_“NO!”_

_Loki teleported to the bottom of the cliff, frantically searching for his brother. Thor would have survived. He would be severely wounded, but he would be alive. Loki’s heart sank when he couldn’t find his brother’s body. The waves crashing against the rock face drew his attention off into the distance. The waters were violent, and Loki could barely make out anything in the darkness. Squinting, his heart stopped when he caught a glimpse of a form bobbing in the water._

_“THOR!”_

_Without a second thought, Loki ran into the waters, swimming as fast as he could. Soon, the violent waters were tossing him around, but the waves were no match for the trickster’s will. Water filled his nose and mouth, but Loki persisted, focused only the form bobbing limply in the waves. The dark-haired god reached his brother just as he sunk beneath water. Drawing in a deep breath, Loki dove down and grabbed his brother’s shoulder, pulling him back up to the surface._

_Once his head broke the surface, Loki drew in a deep breath. Water crashed over his face, the salt stinging his eyes and burning his mouth. Loki coughed as he struggled to keep his head above water. The waves were already trying to rip his brother away from him. Loki gritted his teeth and started paddling back toward the shore, the cold of the water knifing through him. Normally, cold didn’t affect him, but the frigid water was lowering his core temperature._

_Loki nearly lost his grip on Thor and let out a snarl of frustration, refusing to let his brother go. “No, he’s my brother! You can’t have him!”_

_After what seemed like an eternity, Loki felt soft sand under foot. He turned and wrapped his other arm under his brother’s, dragging his dead weight to the shore. Loki pulled him far away from the violent waters that still reached for him, the ones Thor had thrown himself into._

_Once he was out of reach, Loki collapsed next to his brother in the sand, gasping as he tried to catch his breath. His lungs were burning, his entire body ached, and Loki felt more tired than he ever had before. He tried to call his brother’s name, but all that escaped him was a cough. Loki closed his eyes and wiggled his fingers. The storm had stopped, he noticed absentmindedly. Things were strangely quiet. Just the sound of the waves, which suddenly sounded calmer._

_Loki turned his head and rolled to the side._

_“Thor,” he rasped, reaching out to his brother and shaking him. Thor didn’t respond. Loki pushed himself up to a sitting position, noticing that Thor’s chest was still. Conjuring up a ball of light, Loki stared at his brother’s unnaturally pale face. His lips were blue._

_A gleam of red caught Loki’s eye and he noticed the sand around Thor’s head was dark with blood. It looked like a gruesome crown, one that kept growing. Panic settled in Loki’s heart and he screamed his brother’s name, shaking him violently, pounding on his chest as he tried to force Thor to draw in breath. He couldn’t be gone, he couldn’t be. No! No! Thor!_

**

“Loki?”

Loki jerked up into a sitting position, drawing in a deep breath. He latched onto something near him, something warm and familiar. His heart was still pumping faster than it normally, which made him feel uncomfortably on edge. His eyes darted around the room, searching for a threat. His hands clenched and unclenched. His throat felt raw, as if he’d been screaming. Loki really hoped he hadn’t been screaming in his sleep. That would be positively _mortifying_.

“Brother, it’s okay. It’s just me here with you. It’s just me. You’re safe. There is no danger.”

Thor’s voice was a soft rumble in the shadows of the night, comforting and familiar. Loki heard the words, but had trouble believing them. He was never safe. _They_ were never safe. There was always some danger, some menace.

He jolted a little when he felt Thor wrap his other arm around him, holding him in a warm and gentle embrace. Loki’s eyes welled up and he stubbornly shut them, leaning his head against his brother’s. He felt Thor gently rub his back, holding him, calming him. Loki had always been a force of chaos, a storm in his own right, and there were few who could ever make him feel calm.

Thor was one of those select few.

For a while, the two brothers sat there, silently. To Loki’s great relief, Thor didn’t push him to speak, to spill his secrets. He was the god of lies, but Loki needed a moment to come up with something believable after witnessing the horrific images in his dreams. _Norns, I never remember dreams. Why is tonight different?_ Loki wondered.

After a moment, Loki drew in a deep breath and pulled away from his brother, clearing his throat. His eyes wandered around the room, fixing on the clock.

“Gods, we have to be up in a few hours,” Loki groaned as he ran his hands over his face. He briefly considered playing ill. After all, his brother was the one who had to give the speech. Loki was just going to sit around. But of course, if he pretended to be sick, Thor would likely postpone the speech so he could hover over Loki.

Thor was quiet for a moment and Loki could feel him watching him. The trickster couldn’t bring himself to meet his brother’s gaze.

“Your sleep was troubled,” Thor said, concern clear in his voice.

“It was not,” Loki grumbled as he flopped back in his bed, closing his eyes.

“You were calling my name, brother, and thrashing around,” Thor told him gently. Loki turned onto his side, his back to Thor, and pulled the covers over his shoulder.

“No, I wasn’t,” he mumbled.

“What haunted your sleep?”

“Nothing,” Loki insisted.

“Loki—”

“Go to sleep, Thor. You have an important speech to deliver tomorrow and I doubt you want to fall asleep during it.”

“Must you always deflect?”

Loki turned a little so he could look over at Thor, raising an eyebrow. “Have you met me, brother?”

Thor smiled and Loki turned back on his side, troubled by his nightmare. He would never admit it, but having Thor so close was comforting. Feeling his presence hovering over the trickster was helping Loki to forget about the horrific images in his nightmare.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” Thor asked.

“No.”

“Why not?”

Loki rolled his eyes. His brother was an adult and yet could still whine like a child sometimes. Though he frequently accused the trickster of the same.

“Is your bed not comfortable?” Loki muttered as he shut his eyes.

“But I had a nightmare. I cannot sleep.”

“I can sense lies, Thor,” Loki reminded him.

“It was dreadful, brother. The worst I’ve ever had. I was surrounded by blood and death, the slaughter,” Thor continued, doing his best to sound choked up. Loki almost smirked. As annoying as Thor was, he could also be very entertaining.

“You did not have a nightmare.”

“How could you know?” Thor asked.

_Because I know of your nightmares. I know how shaken they leave you. I have spent countless nights helping you battle them,_ Loki thought as he tugged the covers more over him.

“Because you would have woken me,” Loki mumbled. “You’re not exactly quiet. And as I stated earlier, I can sense lies.”

Thor was silent for a moment and Loki assumed he had given up. He continued trying to fall back asleep.

“I think it was the stress of tomorrow,” Thor said conversationally. Loki grabbed a pillow, putting it over his own head. “I might have an anxiety attack.”

“Go away,” Loki grumbled. “Go to sleep.”

“It was terrible, death and screaming. I fear falling back to sleep,” Thor continued, ignoring his brother. Loki pressed the pillow tighter over his head as Thor continued to blather on about the nightmare he had just made up. His brother was remarkably talented when it came to annoying Loki. Since he’d been getting help for his PTSD and anxiety, Thor had been acting more like himself and his talent for needling Loki was once again remarkable.

“There were monsters clawing at me, blood dripping from their fangs and talons, and I was calling for—”

“Gods! Fine! If it will shut you up, you can sleep here,” Loki finally gave in as he took the pillow off his head and tossed it to his brother in a huff.

“Thank you, Loki,” Thor said happily, as he pulled back the covers and hopped onto the mattress. Loki closed his eyes as Thor shifted around, finding a comfortable position. A flash of Thor laying on the dark sands, blood spreading around his head, his face unnaturally pale, went through Loki’s mind. The trickster’s eyes snapped open and he rolled onto his back, glancing over at Thor. The god of thunder had closed his eye, but Loki knew he was still awake.

Looking back to the ceiling, Loki tugged the covers up a little more. He really disliked staying in hotels, even the nice ones. The sheets were always so stiff and uncomfortable. Loki disliked cheap fabric.

Thor’s strong arm wrapped around him, holding him close. Normally, Loki would squirm and grumble. However, he didn’t feel like doing so. After a moment, he adjusted his position a little, subtly moving closer to his brother.

“You can tell me, you know.”

Loki frowned and looked over at the god of thunder. Thor was watching him, a little tiredly. His brow furrowed and he appeared to be considering his words. Loki had noticed the subtle change in his brother since the war against Thanos. He was much more introspective and even less rash than he had been in the past. He chose his words with care. While his sunny demeanor was starting to return, Loki doubted it would ever be as carefree and bright as it had once been. Thor was a different man, as was to be expected.

“I know you deal with experiences much differently than I do, but I know you have also been through a great deal,” Thor said softly. “I won’t ever judge you, no matter what you tell me, and I shall never tell another soul anything you confide in me. If you wish to tell me about what haunted your sleep, I will listen. And I shan’t say anything, not unless you wish for me to. You can talk to me, Loki.”

Loki swallowed and looked up to the clean ceiling above them. He dropped his eyes to the wall somewhere in front of them. Clouds had obscured the moon, making the darkness of the night deeper. Licking his lips, Loki considered whether he felt like sharing. He trusted his brother, perhaps more than he ever had, yet he still found sharing things…difficult. Loki didn’t dwell in the past. He didn’t see the point in revisiting such times. _Better to let it burn._

And yet…there was one memory that he had wanted to share with his brother. He didn’t know why, but it had been something he’d felt compelled to share with Thor. Even though it was a memory Loki really didn’t want to revisit. Taking a deep breath, he steadied himself.

“It took me a while to heal from the encounter on the Statesman,” Loki started. “Not overlong, but longer than it normally takes me to heal. The hazards of a last minute, roughly thrown together spell and illusion. While I was resting on that agricultural planet, my thoughts often turned to you and how you were faring in the war that was undoubtedly being waged. To combat the boredom I was experiencing, I tried to figure out what strategies you would use to defeat the titan. I was certain you would defeat Thanos, you and the misfits you enjoy fighting alongside.

“Inevitably, my thoughts turned to the infinity stones, which seemed the most likely target. I wasn’t sure how you would go about destroying them and I knew there were some Thanos had yet to obtain. That’s when my thoughts turned to Vormir.”

He paused, considering whether or not to continue. It seemed so silly now that he was speaking it aloud. Loki wasn’t sure why he even began in the first place. Glancing over at his brother, he noticed Thor was watching him curiously, waiting for him to continue.

“I imagine you’re aware of how one went about retrieving the soul stone.”

The god of thunder nodded once and his grip on Loki tightened a little. Loki looked back to the ceiling. He could feel warmth creeping in his eyes and let out a strangled laugh. He felt foolish, getting emotional over something as ridiculous and pointless as bad dreams.

“I started having the same dream, every night, of you traveling to that miserable place of death. Often you would go with Banner or Brunnhilde, sometimes one of your other Midgardian friends. And every single night, I watched you incapacitate your companion, run to that cliff edge, and leap off. I watched you plummet to your death. I can still remember how you looked, lying amongst the cold dark rocks, blood spreading out from your skull. Sometimes I could hear the sound of…”

Loki trailed off, a shudder going through his body. He hadn’t thought about those nightmares in quite some time, but when he spoke of them, the gruesome images came rushing back into his mind. It almost made him sick.

“Every day I woke, I would convince myself such a thing wouldn’t happen. You would never journey to that place, you didn’t even know of it. Yet, I think that was when I truly understood, it was unlikely I would ever see you again.”

“Loki—”

“The day I stepped out and saw people starting to disintegrate to dust, I was horrified and even a little frightened, but I also felt overwhelming relief,” Loki admitted, unable to meet his brother’s gaze. “I was relieved because it meant that Thanos had gotten the soul stone, not you. But I knew what you would do to undo such horrific slaughter, the lengths you would be willing to go to, and that was when I resolved to return to your side, to fight beside you, one final time.”

He felt Thor’s other arm wrap around him, embracing him, comforting him, and some of the tension left Loki’s body. Considering how much further he should go, Loki slowly let out his breath.

“You know of my arrival to Midgard, we’ve spoken of it before. It was a few days before that convenient portal opened before me. The night before it did, I had a nightmare that I shan’t ever forget.”

Loki paused and closed his eyes. Thor would think him foolish. The nightmare wasn’t even a bad one and Loki had never figured out why it had upset him so. Especially when he’d had worse nightmares in the past. He considered just rolling over and going to sleep, pretending like this foolish conversation had never happened.

Then he felt Thor’s hand over his, gently tugging at it so Thor could interlace his fingers with Loki’s. The trickster looked over at the god of thunder. Thor was watching him, patiently waiting for him to continue. There was no hint of judgement or scorn in his expression. Loki felt a tear crawl down his face, and he swallowed.

“I dreamt I arrived at the end of the battle. It was a difficult battle, but your allies won. The sun came out, shining upon those of us still standing. I felt…at peace. I felt free. I immediately looked around for you, certain you would be somewhere nearby. Most of the Midgardians had already reunited with their friends and loved ones.

“I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I turned to find Brunnhilde standing next to me. She told me that I had to come with her, right away. I didn’t notice the amount of blood staining her hands and armor, blood that could not have been hers. All I could think was you were cross with me and I was about to be chastised. I followed her a short distance to an improvised tent. I stepped inside and you were…you were…”

Loki’s voice cracked and he put a hand over his eyes. He felt Thor hold him even closer and it made it even harder not to cry.

“There was blood everywhere and the man out of time was sitting beside you, holding your hand. Your Midgardian friends were standing around, looking solemn and miserable, being useless as ever. When I stepped forward…Thor, he had mutilated you. The mad titan had mutilated you. He had torn out your other eye, slashed you open. Your insides were barely still inside you, held in place with numerous bandages and hope from the looks of it. I do not know how you still drew breath, not with the severity of your wounds, but you did. The captain told you I had arrived, for you could not see me, and I sat beside you. You could not speak, your throat had been slashed, yet you still managed to smile at me and mouthed three simple words, ‘You came back.’

“Your Midgardian friends all encouraged you to let go and be at peace. I am not capable of such selflessness and so I urged you to fight. I cried and begged and threatened. I told you I would hate you if you let go, if you left me. And you held on for as long as you could, which was not very long, probably not even a minute. You looked at me and mouthed an apology before succumbing to your wounds. You left me, Thor.

“I woke up in my ship screaming. I did not sleep again as I continued my journey to Midgard. I put the dream to the back of my mind, but it was always there. I told myself it was just a dream, a meaningless bad dream. I do not have the ability to see in the future. But I think…I think that may have been when I knew I wasn’t going to make it in time. I lied to myself, told myself that I had plenty of time. I made myself believe that you were fighting and winning against the mad titan. I even convinced myself that you probably didn’t even need my help. When I arrived in the battle, I threw myself into the fighting and successfully forgot about the dream.”

Loki paused, tears streaming down his face. His voice was wobbling and he took a moment, not trusting himself to speak.

“Then I found you, in that grove, suffering, dying,” Loki continued, unsure if he would be able to finish. He didn’t like remembering that horrible moment. That moment he found his brother. That moment he knew he was going to lose Thor. “Your body was broken, your wounds were…you were in such pain, I could feel it as I used my seidr. And there was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could do.”

“Oh Loki,” Thor whispered as he embraced his brother. “I am so sorry, brother.”

Loki sniffled and buried his face in Thor’s shoulder. Tears were still escaping him, embarrassingly. All over some meaningless bad dream that he’d experienced years ago. He could feel Thor gently stroking his hair, whispering words of reassurance as he hugged him close, comforting him as he cried. His tears continued to fall as he embraced Thor fiercely. Loki had never forgotten what it felt like, to lose his brother. It was a fear that still haunted him on occasion, one that had been stirred up again with Thor’s PTSD. Thor had almost been taken from him, all over again, and the trickster had once again felt powerless to help him.

Loki normally abhorred what he viewed as coddling and resisted any kind of physical affection. He did his best to hide anything he saw as weak and preferred to keep his feelings private. When Thor had been struggling with anxiety, Loki had pushed aside his discomfort with physical touch, allowing his brother to cling to him whenever he needed and for however long he needed. Figuring out how to care for Thor required Loki to change and evolve, so he had.

The trickster had no problem seeing to his brother’s needs, including for comfort, but he would never seek out such comfort on his own. He didn’t need it.

This proved to be one of those very rare times that Loki required it. Because he had been afraid. It was a fear that still sometimes bubbled up to the surface, one that would never fully leave him.

The trickster wasn’t used to being comforted or sharing his burdens. Loki had been doing things on his own for so long that he simply didn’t know how to do things any other way. Thor was comforting him and Loki clung to him as his tears continued to fall. He had lost his brother and experienced grief unlike any he had ever experienced before. Loki knew that was something he would never forget.

“Loki?” Thor whispered, still holding onto his brother. “Your dream just now…was it about losing me?”

Loki swallowed, not trusting his voice for the moment. He shook his head.

“I do not remember,” he lied. To his great relief, Thor did not let go of him and continued to hold him close. There was quiet between them for a while and Loki thought his brother might have fallen back to sleep.

“It’s okay to feel things, Loki,” Thor said softly. “Your feelings and emotions are valid. I know you thrive on the unknown and uncertainties, but it is also okay to worry about them and even be afraid sometimes.”

Loki sniffled, closing his eyes.

“You’re my brother and I love you,” Thor whispered. “I wish there was more I could do to help ease your troubled thoughts.”

Loki shook his head. “You do enough, brother. My thoughts are not troubled. Not often or regularly, anyway.”

A thoughtful look crossed Thor’s face and he continued running his fingers through Loki’s hair. The trickster was curious about what his brother was thinking of.

“Do you know one of the hardest parts of losing you was? I lost a part of myself. I have always thought of myself as a brother, as your brother. Even when I changed and grew, that always remained consistent. When I lost you, it was like that had been stripped from me and I did not know what it made me. Whenever I had a spare moment to myself, I would ponder it. Was I still a brother, even though you were no longer there?” Thor mused aloud. “I didn’t know if I could ever think of myself as anything else. Did you experience something like that?”

Loki’s brows knit together, and he thought about the question for a while. He sighed and wiped away his last tears, straightening up so that he was sitting with his back against the headboard. Thor mirrored his action so that he was sitting beside him

“Yes,” Loki finally answered. “As much as I tried to deny it, to not care, a part of me felt…lost. I didn’t know how to define who I was, which I couldn’t understand because I’m not just one thing. I am able to shed so many aspects of my identity without a second thought and naturally, I assumed my status as a brother would be similar. But it wasn’t.”

“Sometimes your heart would hurt, and you couldn’t figure out why,” Thor continued, looking off into the shadows. “Throughout that war, my thoughts often seemed to turn back to how much I just really wanted to be a brother again. None of my other titles mattered. I just wanted to be a sibling.”

Loki looked over at him, concerned he might experience a flashback. The trickster knew how to help his brother through such an episode, but they could still be quite harrowing. Although they were much less common now that Thor was receiving treatment for PTSD. After a moment, a small smile danced across Thor’s lips and he looked over at Loki.

“I am glad to have that part of myself again,” he told Loki warmly. The trickster couldn’t help but smirk.

“As am I,” he replied softly, looking toward the window. It really was a beautiful night. The moon cast their room in a cool light. He heard Thor sigh softly and almost smirked again. _Oh Thor. Ever so predictable,_ Loki thought.

“Are you worried about the speech tomorrow?” Loki asked around a yawn, already knowing the answer.

“A little,” Thor half-lied. “To speak openly of such ailments, it is frowned upon on Midgard. Some members of the UN are uncomfortable speaking to me, and I’m starting to question the wisdom of this proposal.”

Loki scoffed. “I told you this could be ill-advised. You were the one who said there was nothing to worry about and brushed me off when I tried to raise such concerns.”

Thor raised an eyebrow. “Then why did you not fight more? You’re not one to be overruled quietly.”

“My job is to inform and counsel you, not make your decisions for you,” Loki replied with a shrug. “This is something you feel strongly about, so you should speak of it.”

The god of thunder looked off at some distant spot again, tapping his thumbs together. Loki reached over and put his hand over his brother’s.

“Thor, I’m going to be there. A number of your allies will be there. I know for certain Fury and former Agent Romanoff will be in attendance, as will the man out of time and his metal armed friend. Focus on them and everything will be fine. Who cares what a few stuffy diplomats say or think?”

Thor smiled at him. “You will not run?”

Loki smirked wickedly. “Well, I cannot promise I will stick around for the inevitably dull conversations afterwards, but I shall stay for your speech.”

Thor laughed softly and wrapped an arm around his brother, kissing his head. “I love you, brother.”

Loki grinned, pleased to hear his brother’s laugh. It had been a while since the god of thunder’s laugh had been heard regularly. Loki was happy that Thor’s laugh seemed to come easier nowadays.

“We should try to get what little rest we can,” Loki mentioned. “Hopefully you won’t experience any further nightmares.”

“It really was dreadful, Loki.”

“I’m sure it was,” Loki humored him as he laid down again.

“Monstrous beasts and rivers of blood,” Thor continued, overdramatically.

“Mmhm, beasts, sounds like fun,” Loki yawned, already half asleep.

“All the death and destruction. I was terrified.”

“Poor lamb.”

Thor snickered again and Loki couldn’t help but chuckle. He felt his brother lay down and soon, a large arm flopped over him. Thor sighed softly, holding his brother close.

“It’s all right, brother. I shall protect you from the nightmares,” Loki mumbled, half-teasing. Thor grunted in response. Loki assumed he had fallen asleep, but then he felt Thor gently kiss his head.

“I shall protect you from your own. Yours may not be as frequent as mine, but whenever they occur, I shall protect you from them.”

And despite himself, Loki smiled faintly. It was a ridiculous sentiment, a pointless one, and yet the trickster believed his brother.

“I know, Thor,” Loki whispered. Thor’s arm tightened around him and Loki listened as his breathing evened out into a rhythm that suggested he’d fallen asleep. The trickster closed his eyes, no longer fearing sleep.

The two Odinsons slept peacefully for the rest of the night.

_**The End** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a difficult chapter to write because I struggled to get the right tone. It's really hard to get into Loki's head sometimes just because he's such a complicated and complex character. He's never one thing and he's super cagey. As I've hinted at in past fics, when Thor was really struggling, Loki took on everything by himself. He refused to let anyone else see to his brother or even help Loki himself. Because one thing I've noticed about Loki is he has a tendency to be solitary (whether or not he wants to be is debatable, but I think he's very used to being completely independent).
> 
> I think because of this, Loki probably burned out on occasion when taking care of Thor. Interestingly, I don't think anyone would have noticed (because Loki is also a survivor and he would have learned how to hide what could be seen as weakness). I think his burning out can manifest in different ways, one of which being his feeling on edge. I don't think Loki developed PTSD, but I do think he does experience the occasional bad dream.
> 
> I really loved exploring Thor's different states in these two chapters. In the first one, he is at his lowest. He's unable to speak, he's disassociated to a certain degree, and he's miserable. Yet he still feels this drive to take care of Loki (that is just quintessential to who Thor is: he takes care of others). In this chapter, he has learned to live with his PTSD and anxiety. He's a leader again and he's about to give a speech. Thor more easily recognizes Loki's distress and he winds up doing what Loki has done for him while he struggled with PTSD. I loved the idea that Thor also learned from Loki about taking care of someone.
> 
> But yeah, that's my long-winded speech :-p
> 
> I hope readers enjoyed this short little fic. It was rather fun to write.
> 
> Comments are welcomed and appreciated. I do love chatting with you lot (and I will try to respond in a timely manner).
> 
> Thank you, readers! :)


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